Tuesday, January 29, 2008

I Miss The Office

Do you love The Office? I do! And I miss it! A lot! So ... I thought I'd share a few of my favorite quotes:

* Michael Scott: It's simply beyond words. It's incalculacable.

* [during a "Diversity Day" exercise; Angela is wearing a sign on her forehead that says "Jamaican."]

Kevin: Hey.

Angela: Hey.

Kevin: You wanna go to the beach?

Angela: Sure.

Kevin: You wanna get high?

Angela: No.

Kevin: I think you do, mon.

* [Jim set a fence of pencils up between Dwight and his desk]

Dwight Schrute: Your pencils are creating a health hazard. I could fall and pierce an organ.

* Dwight Schrute: Someone forged medical information, and that's a felony.

Jim Halpert: OK, Whoa, all right 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?

Dwight Schrute: [reading from a sheet] Uh, Leprosy, Flesh Eating Bacteria, Hot Dog Fingers, Government Created Killer Nano Robot Infection.

* Jim Halpert: Because right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.

* Michael Scott: This is our receptionist, Pam. If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple years ago.

* Michael Scott: What is the single most important thing for a company? Is it the building? Is it the stock? Is it the turnover? It's the people. The *people*. My proudest moment here wasn't when I increased profits by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No, no, no, no. It was a young Guatamalan guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English, but he came to me and he went "Mr. Scott, will you be the Godfather to my child?" Wow. *Wow.* Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.

* Michael Scott: I guess the atmosphere that I've tried to create here is that I'm a friend first and a boss second, and probably an entertainer third.

* Pam Beesley: I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go. Because then I might...


Pam Beesley: Its just, I don't think it's many girls' dream to be a receptionist.

* Michael Scott: I'm friends with everybody in this office. We're all best friends. I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late and start having dentist appointments that aren't dentist appointments, and that is when it's nice to let them know that you could beat them up.

* Michael Scott: Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot a deer in the leg. Had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour. Why do you ask?

* Dwight Schrute: Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most.

* Pam Beesley: The thing about Jim is... when he's excited about something- like the Office Olympics- he gets really into it and he does a really great job. But the problem with Jim is that he works here so... that hardly ever happens.

* Phyllis: [the employees are listing what books they would like to read on a desert island] The DaVinci Code.

Angela: The DaVinci Code. I would bring The DaVinci Code. So I could burn The DaVinci Code.

Dwight Schrute: Yeah right, that would keep you warm for like 7 seconds.

* Dwight Schrute: Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of Oklahoma in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutey, the mailman. They had too many kids so they made up roles like that... I was good.

* Michael Scott: Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and... I have a great one. "Little Kid Lover". That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.

* Dwight Schrute: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, "Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead." Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion, you're dead.

* Michael Scott: The most sacred thing I do is care... Today I am in charge of picking a great new healthcare plan. Right? That's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um, yes. Like a specialist.

* Jan Levinson-Gould: Some times a manager - like yourself - has to deliver the bad news to the employees. I do it all the time.

Michael Scott: Oh yeah, when have you ever done that?

Jan Levinson-Gould: I'm doing it right now, to you.

* Jim Halpert: Last night on "Trading Spouses," there's... did you see it?

Pam Beesley: No, I have a life.

Jim Halpert: Interesting, what's that like?

Pam Beesley: You should try it some time.

Jim Halpert: Wow. But then who would watch my TV?

* Dwight Schrute: Okay, first, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?

Michael Scott: Uh, none: you're picking a healthcare plan.

Dwight Schrute: Please knock, this is an office.

Jim Halpert: It

[pointing to sign]

Jim Halpert: says "work space".

Dwight Schrute: Same thing.

Jim Halpert: If it's the same thing, then why'd you write "work space"?

* Dwight Schrute: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.

Pam Beesley: Why would you wanna raise your cholesterol?

Dwight Schrute: So I can lower it.

Jan Levinson-Gould: [on phone] Dwight, listen to me very carefully: you are not a manager of anything. Understand?

Dwight Schrute: That's not entirely true, because he put me in charge of picking a healthcare plan.

Jan Levinson-Gould: Really? Okay, when Michael gets back, you tell him to call me immediately.

Dwight Schrute: Call you immediately, good. Hey listen, since I have you on the phone, um, can I fire Jim?

Jan Levinson-Gould: No.

* Michael Scott: I think if I was allergic to dairy I'd kill myself.

* Jim Halpert: God, this is so sad, this is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head.

* Dwight Schrute: Studies show that more information is passed through watercooler gossip than through official memos, which puts me at a disadvantage because

[picks up water bottle]

Dwight Schrute: I bring my own water to work.

* Toby: I need to talk to you in your office, it'll just take two seconds.

Michael Scott: Literally two seconds?

Dwight Schrute: [Diversity Day exercise; Dwight has a card on his head that says "Asian"] ... lots of cultures eat rice, that doesn't help me.

* Dwight Schrute: I have been Michael's number two guy for about five years, and we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart and I'm like Mozart's friend. No, I'm like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you're gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

* Pam Beesley: I suggested we flip a coin, but Angela said she doesn't like to gamble. Of course by saying that, she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her.

* Meredith: I'll take the oven mitt.

Michael Scott: Sssssssucker! See, I wanted somebody to take it! Reverse psychology!

Michael Scott: Reverse psychology is an awesome tool, I don't know if you guys know about it, but basically you can make someone think the opposite of what you believe, and that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm.

Kevin: I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn't.


Dwight Schrute: Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets... Christmas.

* Jim Halpert: I want to clamp Michael's *face* in a George Foreman grill.

* Dwight Schrute: Otherwise it's just malfeasance for malfeasance's sake.

* Michael Scott: You know what they say the best medicine is.

Kevin: Well, the doctor said a combination of Interferon and Dacarbazine.

Michael Scott: And laughter, also.

* Dwight Schrute: I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?Jim Halpert: [Michael's hands are tied to the rail of the Booze Cruise ship] What happened to you?

Michael Scott: Captain Jack has a problem with authority.

Jim Halpert: Oh, right, 'cause you announced that his ship was sinking

Michael Scott: He just totally lost it. If you ask me he caused the panic.

* Michael Scott: Last week I would've given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would've reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, "Uh, no, I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney."Pam Beesley: Jim cannot speak until he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of Jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid.

* Dwight Schrute: Yes, I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years... which I'm looking forward to. It's an Amish technique; it's like slapping someone with silence.

Dwight Schrute: I was shunned from the age of 4 until my 6th birthday, for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.

* Michael Scott: I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I'm going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.

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