Who'd Win In a Fight?

Tonight Mike Tyson fights Danny Williams in a classic "Who Cares?" match. Click here if you actually do care. But it got me to thinking (along with some help from my wife who was actually going to post some similar foolishness on her blog but was talked out of it because I wanted her to keep her job and me to get the glory) about a game we used to play on road trips over the walkie-talkies between vans. I say something profound like, "who'd win in a fight: Lois Brown (70+ sweetheart of a lady at our church) or Glen Kauk (135lbs of the nicest guy on the planet, also at our church)?" to which the kids in the other van would debate it and then give me via the walkie talkie their pick. So I thought we'd play that game here - blogger style! Here it goes:

Who'd Win In a Fight?

Bush or Kerry?
Animal (Muppets) or Barney (big, dumb purple dinosaur)?
Royce Money or Dalbert?
The Apostle Paul or the Apostle Peter?
"Rev." Sharpton or "Rev." Jackson (I'd pay to see that)
Grimmus (big purple guy from McDonalds) or Taco Bell dog?
A Watermelon or a Waterpick (tooth care product)?
Afleck or Damon?
Michael Jackson or Lisa Marie?
Stewart Scott or Dan Patrick?
Shaq or Yao?
Grant Boone or Pat Boone?
A feather or a paper clip?
Saddam or Bin Laden?
Moses or John the Baptist?
Luke Wilson or Owen Wilson?
Jeff Berry or Brandon Scott Thomas?
Mel Gibson or Michael Moore?
Bill or Hillary?
Mike Cope or Rick Atchley?
A DVD or a VHS?
My Blog or a kick to the groin?
The Wiggles or N'Sync?

You get the idea... So who are your picks? OR... Who are your "dream fights?"

Taking idleness to a whole new level,
Joel

PG-13 Political Parody

Bush & Kerry

I received an email with a link to a political parody that I found funny. That doesn't mean everyone will find it funny. It is somewhere around rated PG in my book but I'm calling it PG-13 just to be on the safe side. It is a cartoon of Bush & Kerry singing to the tune of "This Land Is Your Land" and is about 2 minutes long. Check it out at your own risk. Click Here.

Mike-so-rich or Microsoft?

Kim ran across this illustration I used back in my youth ministry days and gave it to me the other night.  I used it last night when I taught the High School Class at Highland.  I thought it was worth sharing.

In 1998 (a long time ago) Michael Jordan signed a contract that paid him over $300,000 a game.  That's $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages 30 minutes a game. 

Assuming $40 million in endorsements, he'll be making $178,100 a day, working or not. 

If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night.  Sleeping! 

Going to see a movie will cost him 8 bucks, but he will make $18,550 while there. 

If he boils a 3 minute egg, hell make $370 while it boils. 

If he wanted to save up for a BMW 8 Series ($90,000), it would take him a whole 12 hours. 

If he went to play a round of golf, it would cost him around $200 but he would make $33,000 while playing that round. 

He'd make about $19.60 while watching the 100-meter dash in the Olympics but about $15,600 if he watched the Boston Marathon until the first runner crossed the line. 

In the time it takes for the average person to eat in Michael's trendy Chicago restaurant for the average cost of $20, Jordan will make $5,600. 

If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, your salary would be $65,000 per year. 

In one year he will make twice as much as all our past presidents for all their terms combined. 

But consider this: Jordan would have to save 100% of his income for 270 years to have a net worth equal to that of Bill Gates. 

And consider this:
The average working man in Tijuana, Mexico considers himself lucky to make
$50 per week.

Wow!  I don't know whether to feel rich or poor. 

Buckle Up Bloggers!

I ran across the following article on foxnews.com this morning:


Alaska Crash Trial Focuses on DVD Player
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
ANCHORAGE, Alaska — When a pickup truck crossed the double yellow line along Seward Highway (search) and killed two occupants of a Jeep Grand Cherokee, police initially thought the accident was another tragic mistake by a momentarily distracted driver.
Then they spotted the dashboard DVD player (search).
In what may be the first trial of its kind in the nation, prosecutors have accused the pickup truck's driver of second-degree murder for watching a movie instead of the road when he crashed head-on into the Jeep.

I have to admit that sometimes I take my focus off the freeway of faith...and I crash.  Praise God that my fenderbenders are not fatal.  The airbag of the Almighty saves me every time.   For me it comes down to a lack of discipline in several areas that results in a wreck-of-a-relationship with God.  Spending, eating, and time management have always been my DVD players of distraction. 

Daily, I have to strap on the seatbelt of the Spirit and keep the sedan of my soul crucified to Christ.  And the days that I live like that...they are the most abundant, delightful drives despite the difficulties of this drive we call discipleship.

May we all keep our eyes on the prize, Jesus Christ.

You've Got Life...

Below is a sampling of email that I have received in the past 24 hours.  This does not include any email from my wife or from my boss.  It does not include much spam (only two).  It represents about 1/2 of the 50+ emails I get daily.  I got to looking at my inbox and I noticed that my inbox is a microcosm of my life.  Good news - bad news.  Money in - money out.  Here is some help - I need your help.  Loved ones - Unknown ones.... A sampling of emotions, people, roles, and goals. 

• The Post Office Delivery problems with your mail Tue 7/27/2004 10:34 AM 8 KB 
• ljarman1102@yahoo.com Notification of payment received Tue 7/27/2004 9:54 AM 11 KB 
• jpimentel@hearstnp.com A.J. Tue 7/27/2004 8:12 AM 3 KB 
• jpimentel@hearstnp.com Aug 1 Tue 7/27/2004 8:10 AM 5 KB 
• Plaxo Customer Care Plaxo Activity Summary Tue 7/27/2004 6:42 AM 24 KB 
• preachingtoday@christianitytoday.com Your membership is expiring: only 15 days left Tue 7/27/2004 2:34 AM 7 KB 
• Karen Rich song Tue 7/27/2004 1:21 AM 5 KB 
• BsktBallLuvr08@wmconnect.com Falls Creek Mon 7/26/2004 11:13 PM 3 KB 
• Leadership Wired John C. Maxwell's Leadership Wired: Volume 7, Issue 13 Mon 7/26/2004 4:55 PM 25 KB 
• Joel Quile Summer Update 2 (HTML version) Mon 7/26/2004 3:35 PM 15 KB
• Mike Provencher  Mon 7/26/2004 1:55 PM 3 KB 
• Abilene Christian University Tuition Payment Plan Mon 7/26/2004 1:20 PM 11 KB 
• Kintera customer service Kintera Customer Support Tracking #: 85700 Mon 7/26/2004 12:44 PM 6 KB 
• Joel Quile Jeff Test 5 Mon 7/26/2004 11:33 AM 16 KB 
• Jackie Diaz Tuition Payment Plan Mon 7/26/2004 11:23 AM 11 KB 
• Dennis Wuensche Funny political animation Mon 7/26/2004 11:04 AM 3 KB 
• sharpj class 7/25 Mon 7/26/2004 10:29 AM 5 KB 
• The Pastor's Coach Important information for growing your church Mon 7/26/2004 10:17 AM 7 KB 
• CARL B. SMITH RE: Jeff Berry Band Mon 7/26/2004 9:52 AM 10 KB 
• John Quile Fw: Qtru site Mon 7/26/2004 1:16 AM 4 KB   

Take a look at your inbox.  You will might just see a lot more than just emails.  You might just see life.
 
 

Slim Lancaster

Slim & Kieth

Yesterday a good friend (as opposed to a bad friend) of mine, Sam Middlebrook posted a blog about getting a music card for his Ipaq and then detailed numerous groups that he had been listening to that day.  I felt compelled by the Spirit (read: wasting time trying to be funny) to make the following comments (in italics):

What? No Emenim or Acapella? I'm disappointed in you Sam. Will the real Sam Middlebrook please stand up? By Joel Quile, at 7/20/2004 08:14:49 AM

Then Sam replied:
Amazingly enough, neither of those are on my playlist. I'd rather hear Andy Griffith cover Dave Matthews, or something like that. By Sam Middlebrook, at 7/20/2004 08:17:59 AM

Then a friend (hopefully a good one) of Sam's dropped in this jewel that I had to share with you:

Oh come one Sam, there could be nothing better than fusing those two artists together. Just think of what it could be..."Sorry mama, I didn't mean to hurt you, I didn't mean to make you cry but tonight I'm cleaning out my closet...'cause I'm teaching the truth in love, telling it like it is, while holding pure motives, and showing that we care, are we teaching the truth in love... Stop the tape! This kid needs to be locked away, Dr. Dre, don't just stand there, OPERATE! I'm not ready to leave, it's too scary to die, I'll have to be carried inside the cemetery and buried alive...but you come to my rescue, rescue, rescue, rescue. Lord You care and You've become my friend. Amazing love whose boundaries have no end. And Lord You show what a greater love can do. By being there for my rescue...Ha ha, Guess there's a Slim Shady in all of us"Now that is a hit song! Question: Does that play on CCM stations or Top 40 stations?? - Russell

Well, Russell got me thinking (a rarity I know) about what would be the greatest combination of artist that I could imagine.  The first that came to my mind was AC/DC & Clay Aiken.  But wait there is more.  Wouldn't you like to hear these musical projects?:

Ludicrous and Michael W. Smith (and friends are friends for $&*@#*^! ever)
Hillary Duff & Ozzy Osborne  (Why not ride the Crazy Train?)
Pat Boone & D12  (Ain't that a shame to sneak in with this many heaters in our jeans?)
Hoobastank & Hanson  (Did you give it your best Hmmm Bop?)
G-Unit &  Garth Brooks (I got friends on the stage in the Bahamas with AK's)

Well, you get the idea.  So my fellow bloggerites the choice is yours.  Who would you like to see?  What would be your "dream" joint production?  Let's hear it!

My Dream State and My Dream Court

I'm dreaming here for just a minute.  I have given myself permission to think about something besides D, J, E, & P (the four sources of the Pentateuch) and the rest of the OT (Old Testament for you non-brainiacs) for a brief moment.  My massive final (which I plan to post at a later time) is due by midnight tonight so I am in full study mode.   When I smelt my brain frying I knew it was time for a pause in the action.  I took a break and ran across some fairly funny material from espn.com (page 2) which I felt compelled to share a sampling with you.  So here it is.  It is not any thing to do with the Deuteronomic History of Ancient Israel and that my friends is good enough for me.
 
This is a comment that Jimmy Kimmel made about Los Angeles:
Here's a little secret I probably shouldn't let you in on, but I will: Wherever you're living right now, L.A. is nicer. In nearly every category, we win. No reasonable person who has ever spent any amount of time here would argue this -- and those who do are in denial. Our weather is better, we have more to do, more to see -- our gardeners charge 50 bucks a month -- and, as a group, the women here make yours look like livestock. L.A. is to cities what George Clooney is to men. Better. And those "earthquakes" we have once every 10 years? Spielberg, Lucas and -- starting next year -- DeVito produce them to scare people away who might be thinking of moving here. Please don't tell anyone.
 
What is your thoughts?  Is your state/city better?  Why?
 
And then again from page 2 came this thought from someone named Scott Dempsey, College Park, Md.
So I was sitting bored in a Constitutional law class and I thought if I got to pick the Supreme Court, the UCR would be through the roof. So here's what I came up with: Toby Keith, Harold Lederman, William Hung, Sly Stallone, Paris Hilton, Chyna, Malcolm Jamaal Warner, Stephen Hawking and Ruthie from "Real World Hawaii." C'mon, how hilarious would it be to see Sly walk into a courtroom wearing a leather robe and with his "Rocky II" hat. And seeing Lederman go back and forth with Stephen Hawking has got to be right up there with a Dikembe Mutombo press conference. Am I wrong here?--
 
So again, I ask you (the bloggerite community) (man I'm in this OT stuff too deep) what are your thoughts?  Who is your dream Surpreme Court?  I'll share mine at a later point (i.e. when my final is done)
 
Speaking of my final...

Blessed Be The Lord

In the last 24 hours I have:

*received news of my mother-in-law being completely cured from cancer - Blessed be the Lord!
*studied for an final in an OT course I'm taking so much my head hurt: - Blessed be the Lord!
*Watched my wonderful wife teach a group of junior high girls about Jesus: - Blessed be the Lord!
*Blogged about some pretty vulgar stuff and been called on it: - Blessed be the Lord!
*Repented of my sins (more than just one tacky blog) - - Blessed be the Lord!
*Danced with my wife in my living room & kitchen to the song Blessed Be The Lord blaring at 1:00am this morning: - Blessed be the Lord!
*Awoke tired from staying up and praising God past 1:00am: - Blessed be the Lord!
*Awoke amazed at the blessing of my wife and kids, health and possessions, friends and family: - Blessed be the Lord!
*and much, much more...

Life is such a roller coaster of emotion and melting pot of pleasure and pain. God gives and takes away. We rise and we fall. We bless and we curse. We taste joy and sorrow in the same minute.

The song that Kim and I danced to late last night seems to say it all.


Blessed be Your name in the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
And blessed be Your name when I'm found in the
desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back
to praise
And when the darkness closes in Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name when the suns shining
down on me
When the world is all as it should be
Blessed be Your name
And blessed be Your name on the road marked
with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

And You Thought Blogging Was Fun?

I hate to post this because I know that the handfull of professional procrastinators who endure my blog will spend their employers hard earned money wasting time on this site. Okay, I really don't.

If you want to kill (as in murder, not coming back, completely gone) some valuable time then you need to check this site out.

THIS SITE MAKES ME ASHAMED TO BE A PART OF THE HUMAN RACE!

And of course, laugh.
Enjoy.

http://www.subservientchicken.com/

Type in "hit a baseball" for starters. Then click submit. You'll catch on real quick.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

You Stay Classy. As For Grant and I...

Grant Boone and I are spending 78% of our waking time and 93% of our brain power (which might be 34% of the average human) considering the deeper issues in life, namely, the new Will Ferrell movie, Anchorman. We have high standards, Grant and I. Here is a sampling of this high brow script.

Ron Burgundy (the anchorman) comes home to his apartment and has an verbal exchange with his dog. Ron's dog barks and Ron interprets what he is saying. Here is the exchange:

Ron to his dog: "You pooped in the refrigerator? You actually pooped in my refrigerator?

Bark, bark.

Ron: So if I go open up the refrigerator there'll be poop in there?

Bark!

Ron:How did you do that?

Bark, bark.

Ron: No, I'm not even mad. That's amazing."

Is it any wonder why Grant and I LOVE this movie?

You stay classy blog readers!

A Broom and Holy Spirit

A former student in my ministry in Tomball wrote something today in his blog that is worth sharing. His name is Sam Middlebrook and his thoughts on worship A Broom and the Holy Spirit is a great read.

http://www.middlebrook.blogspot.com
Enjoy!

Flaunt It If You Got It!

I’m in an Advanced Old Testament graduate course this week at ACU. My professor is Dr. Mark Hamilton who did his PhD at Harvard. I am learning a lot and I thought I would share it with you. (I don't know who "you" exactly is)

Ten Things I've Learned So Far In My OT Course.
1. I feel less angry at all those women who write books about the need for men to be better husbands. (see Numbers 5:11-31)

2. Balaam (pronounced Ball-um) is a prophet who is supposed to speak to the people for God and to God. At the start of the story the smart person in the story is Balaam's ass. (I never knew that's where that term came from. (see Numbers 22)

3, I now have a proof text for all those moms wearing pants who are adamantly opposed to their sons wearing an earring. (see Deuteronomy 22:5)

4. Maybe those moms yelling at their kids in Walmart is not that bad. (see Deut. 21: 18-21)

5. Maybe tithing your lottery ticket winnings isn't that bad. (see Deut, 23:18)

6. Talk about a "bunk " bunk check. (see Deut. 23! 10)

7. So much for "an eye for an eye" (See Deut. 25:11-12) ouch!

8. I've found a new proof text for all those clean-shaven dads who quote Leviticus 19: 28 to their sons who want to get a tattoo. (See Leviticus 19:27)

9. If was an Israelite I'd wear a helmet 24/7. One bump on your dome and you're jacked! (see Leviticus 13:40-46)

10. Maybe MTV and Fox are not all that bad. (see Leviticus 18).

Here I Am! Send Me!

I'm in Austin right now and can't believe it. Somehow the words God is good just don't do it. I came here with Kent Smith and Dwayne Mackey and we are staying at the home of Tony and Felicity Dale. I want to say so much about the evening but have so little time. I want to get back out and talk church planting with this godly pair so I'll write more later.