Cards That Don't Cut It

I got the following email yesterday and thought some were pretty funny.

Hallmark Cards That Didn't Quite Make It:

Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.

Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder... "What the heck was I thinking?"

How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby

I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you I’ve changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go... Would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

Happy birthday! You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike!

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time … let's say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you it’s almost like you're here.

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Now I know I'm taking a risk here ... but can anyone think of their own version of "not quite cards" that (yes, there is a caveat) are appropriate. If so, go ahead and share them.

I'll try a few:

I heard you lost weight ... don't worry, I'm sure you'll find it.

Congratulations on your new job. I'm sure the couch will miss your butt.

Friends like you are like flowers. You know those fake ones you buy at the craft store.


You get the idea.