Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Dental Delight!

Actual Photo from Camera Phone!

I write this blog entry from none other than my dentist chair! I'm not pulling your leg (or your tooth!) - I'm using my phone and typing away while my mouth goes numb. The torturist - I mean dentist has just given me three shots of Novocain and I get the bright idea to record the experience as it happens. So here's the thing about the dentist - dude has some serious tools!

The Little Sharp Crooked Pick Thingy: what is the deal with that? Of course what is the first thing they do with that sucker? "You say you have a painful cavity? Here, let me poke this sharp little 'metal' object in it!" Yeah, that will fix it won't it! No it won't. It will make hurt like heck. It would be like going to the doctor with a bullet wound and the doc reaches for a jar of pepperocini juice!

The Sucker Thingy: It doesn't matter who is assisting - if they are in charge of the sucker thingy - they control the experience for me. Forget the shots, the drilling, the fancy stuff - I want my mouth free of my blood, excess nasty Novocain & chunks of my own teeth - you know what I'm saying? Does anyone else feel a little comfortable when they say, "just goes ahead and spit" and what they mean is - push all that nasty stuff up to the front of your grill so I can wet vac it out for you.

The World's Smallest Water Pick: Don't let it's miniature stature fool you ... this thing will take the paint off your car! Of course it will make you gag too. My favorite is when they bounce some H2O off your chops and it tags the dentist in his specs. One of these days when they leave the room for a minute I'm going to see how far that little hose goes. I'm betting like 30 feet. I bet it will go over those mountains!

The Shot Shooter: I can't really comment much about this because the dentist never really gives you a clear shot. It's like when the shot shooter comes out the dentist turns into David Copperfield. I promise, I never saw the needle! And they never are 100% truthful with you about the shot shooter. The company line of all dentists is something like, "you will feel a little pinch." What they should be telling us is, "okay, in about 3 seconds you will feel a sharp pain rush through your jaw. The pain will increase incrementally as I press this little trigger and will reach it's zenith when I do the little vibrate the hand trick to make sure it goes all the way to the bone."

The Mini Mirror on a Stick: Not too much to reflect on (pun intended) with this tool. If you have a good assistant or a good dentist then you really have no problem with the mini mirror. However, if your dentist is one of those (mine is not) who will keep the mirror in your mouth while they turn behind them to grab another tool of torture and because they're not paying much attention to the matters at hand (or in mouth in the is case) the little mirror becomes something like a plunger that is effective at mashing that little dangly thing in the back of your mouth down your throat ... then you have some problems with the mirror. I wouldn't mind have one of those just to use when I want to know if the remote control is under the couch but not bad enough to actually get up from my nap. I could just stick that bad boy down on the floor and angle it just right ... "hey, here's my wallet!"

And finally...

The Dwarf Drill: What this mini Makita lacks in size it makes up for in sound? I've heard quieter jackhammers! Here's my problem with the drill. It leaves one of the senses out: sight. Think about it - you can hear the drill, feel the drill, taste the drill (or at least the silver that my dentist is currently mining out of my mouth) and yes, even smell the drill (if you count that lovely smell of ground filling and burnt teeth). But you never can see the drill. Again, it is a case where I think they distract you with the sucker and the mirror and sorta light speed like stick that baby in your chili-hole before you can get a good look. But you know when it's in there - don't you? And how? That's right ... that hideous sound! I wish I had one of those just lying around the house. How cool would that be? Kids having a tough time waking up? Just power that sucker up a few inches above their head ... I don't care who you are - you're shooting up out of that bed. Company staying a bit too long? No worries ... just whip out the drill and start turning it on and off while speaking about how that dessert was so good you can still feel it - stuck to your teeth. They will hear their toothbrush calling no doubt!

Well, the dentist is just about done. I've now received 5 more shots for a total of 8 and the entire drilling and filling process has taken just over an hour. The good news is that they were able to get that entire naughty cavity out of my tooth. The bad news is that the nerve probably won't last but a year or two longer and my tooth might start breaking on me when I eat tortilla chips. But wait, the dentist just told me some more good news: If the nerve does indeed die ... I get to come back in for a Root Canal!

I can't wait.


Sam Middlebrook said...

Stinkin' hilarious. This is "Classic Quile'" material, my friend.

DJG said...

Oh and to think I missed all this when I went for my 6 month check up and heard, NO CAVATIES!!! That's only because they have put crowns on almost every tooth in my head!!

Jenni said...

Oh my goodness. Your creative descriptors just brought back to my memory the time a few years ago when I had something link 5 fillings at once. Blech! But you sure do tell a good tale!

Jenni said...

something "like" 5 fillings....oh those slippery fingers!

tjmccloud said...

holly has an $800 dollar cavity- I think Im going to put mine off for a while- i figure after five years without a dentist... a few more months wont hurt anything. I also have what is called a "rogue nerve", as in "impervious to pain medicine".... that made for a fun filling, my freshman year in college.